Q: What are your turn-offs?
And so is that.
Q: How do you prefer a client to make an appointment? What information is important for you? Is screening required before the appointment?
Text when you know my name, what time you want to book and for long. I don't need to know anything else.
Q: When you visit a client, what kind of environment do you expect a client to provide?
A large and anonymous hotel with clean facilities and non keycarded lifts and corridors. You'll also need it to have phones in the rooms, or I can't do security checks.
Q: Do you have any particular requirements regarding hygiene? What are the guidelines that your client should follow?
If you have to ask whether you need to wash properly, you're likely to find out shortly after arrival.
Q: What payment options are available? How would you prefer the client to pay?
Cash, cash and cash.
Q: How would you prefer the money to be given?
Promptly, directly to me and without my having to ask for it, although I will if none is forthcoming.
Q: If a client decided to make you a present, what would you be happy to receive? What is your wish-list (maybe flowers, lingerie, perfume, music albums, books etc.)?
No thank you.
Q: Do you travel? If so, what does that involve on the client's part?
Yes I do, and how/when/where I do so is nothing to do with punters. All they have to do is wait for me to come back.
Q: Do you allow kisses?
Allow them what?
Q: How do you handle a situation where a client may want to get "wild and crazy"?
In the unlikely event that such a punter got through my screening I'd be calling the police.
Q: Do you allow the clients to take photos or video? If yes, on what terms?
Read my website.
Q: How do you handle first-timers or those who have limited experience with escort services? What are your suggestions to such clients to make your encounter the most enjoyable?
Badly. I'm not very patient and would recommend they cobtact somebody else.
Q: Have you ever had experiences with disabled clients? How do you meet their special needs?
Yes, and I meet their needs in the same way as I do all other punters' needs, given that people are all different.
Q: What is your attitude towards tobacco, alcohol and drugs? Do you drink or smoke yourself? Do you allow the client to do it during your meeting?
No, no and no. That was easy.
Q: What don't you like about being an escort?
I have no idea. I'm a prostitute.
Q: What are your hobbies and passions, things you love to do and discuss? Music genres, movies, reading preferences etc.? What other talents do you have?
That is absolutely none of your business.
Q: Will you meet on a regular basis
No, I can't meet you anywhere. You have to come to me or vice versa.
Q: Will you accept at one rendezvous multi-sex intercourse?
What fresh hell is this? What did the English language ever do to you?
Q: Enjoy your life with the company you have, do you ever miss the one friend who made a difference?
Jesus wept. Is there a proofreader in the house? Preferably one with limitless patience and no other pressing commitments.
Q: Are your rates negotiable?
Of course, although you should know that my counter offer will always be a cordial invitation to fuck right off.
Q: Can I see you at 2 am?
Not unless you've broken into my house.
Q: Can you do some anal play on me?
I don't know what that means, but it sounds grim. I'll give it a miss.
Q: Will you see me I am black / overweight / disabled / much older / not interested in intercourse / listen to Justin Bieber...?
I just want your money, love. I couldn't give a shit.
Q: What is your favourite London Hotel?
Yes, that's a good one to post on a prostitution website. Maybe put it right alongside my picture?
Q: What's the best gift I could give you right now
An end to this hellish questionaire.
Q: How and when is the donation exchanged?
Nothing is 'donated' and nothing is exchanged. I'm not a charity féte, and my fees are paid at the start. Like a cinema ticket.
Q: If a client takes you out for dinner, what would be your favourite restaurant or favourite type of food ?
If I'm being paid to eat it, I have no preference at all.
Q: How long have you been escorting ?
As clarified previously, I don't 'escort' anybody anywhere.
Q: How did you become an Escort ?
I became a prostitute by taking money for sex from a random bloke I'd met shortly beforehand.
Q: Have you worked in any other areas of the industry ?
Possibly. Without a clearer definition I can't answer but it's not relevant anyway.
Q: What's the best thing about being an escort ?
Oh, do fuck off.
Q: What's the worst thing about being an escort ?
Spending my free time having to fill in cobblers like this.
Q: What's the funniest thing that's happened to you while escorting ?
Pay me and I'll tell you. Or at least try to make up something moderately entertaining.
Q: What advice would you give someone wanting to become an escort ?
First rule of sex work: get the money first, second rule: don't be greedy. And read the SAAFE website.
Q: What's the thing that clients do that annoys you the most ?
Depending on my mood, either nothing at all or absolutely everything - they won't notice a thing either way. Oh, and people touching my hair gives me the rage.
Q: What's the nicest thing a client has ever done for you ?
Addressed me by name when booking, turned up on time and not ten minutes early, paid immediately without being asked. I've learned to manage my expectations.
Q: Do you enjoy being an escort ?
I'm not an escort, I'm a prostitute. Or sex worker, if we need a euphemism.
Q: What do look for in a prospective client ?
I don't look for punters. They look for me.
Q: Tell me about your best or most memorable escorting experience ?
I'll be happy to, but you'll need to book me first.
Q: Do you accept gifts from clients? What sort of gifts do you like ?
No.
Q: What excites you about where you live?
My TV and my refrigerator.
Q: What do you find irratating in a new client ?
Inappropriate personal questions, having to ask for payment, not reading my site and then looking sour when they find x, y or z service is not on offer.
Q: Can I book a massage and dinner date together
Sorry, I don't offer massage.
Q: What is the most sensitive part of your body?
My faith in human nature.
Q: How do you rate yourself compared to other escorts??
I don't; it's a ridiculous question. We're individual human beings, not interchangeable twats on legs.
Q: What's the best time to book you?
On the day, unless you're a returnee in which case a couple of days before is fine.
Q: What is your favourite place?
My home. Specifically, my refrigerator.
Q: Do you offer Bareback?
I don't even offer OWO, so what do you think?
Q: Do you have girlfriends you play with ?
I have female friends, yes. We tend to go out for dinner rather than 'play' anything, since we're mostly in our forties and fifties.
Q: When and how did you become an escort? What motivated you to start doing it? What was your background before this work?
Mind your own fucking business.
Q: Do you like being an escort? What do you enjoy most in it? What is important and have value for you in it?
Who writes this ridiculous gibberish?